Okkay, so New Year is here!
New Resolutions, new plans, new promises, commitments, and much more.
When 2012 was going to start, I made some resolutions. Unfortunately, couldn’t keep them.
One of my friends just reminded me that one of my resolution for 2012 was to sleep early and wake up early. I did otherwise.
I planned to eat good and look good, I didn’t even try.
I planned to be happy, not to get angry on every other issue, not to get hyper, not to hurt myself, not to fight, not to cry, to practice patience and to work hard.
I didn’t do any of these.
No, I tried to remain patient. I couldn’t, all the time. But at least I tried.
I didn’t take care of my health, I didn’t work hard, I hurt myself, I did wrong to my own-self, I allowed myself to be used, to be taken for granted, I did things which I didn’t want to, I let myself get hurt easily, I didn’t try to make my life better.
I hate myself for all this.
I didn’t do good to me. I will forgive myself for this.
But I did try to do good to others. Yes, I did.
I tried to take care of them, to make them happy, to make them feel good, even if it hurt me.
I really tried to do every possible thing to keep people happy.
But they did the opposite. They didn’t do good to me.
But it’s okkay. I don’t want to make them guilty or responsible.
I have promised myself I will not hold grudges in my heart for anyone.
Of course, I can’t forget that. I do want to, but I just can’t.
I end up forgiving people even if they don’t deserve it. I can’t stay mad for long. I don’t want to loose my relationships due to my anger. I value my relationships more than my ego.
The problem is I don’t learn from it.
I still let myself being used, being taken for granted, hurt myself.
Because, I am the one who cares more, who loves more, who hold onto relationships even if they hurt.
I am the one who is always trying to make others happy, no matter what it takes.
I just can’t ignore someone because they ignored me.
Not because I am weak, but because I know the pain of ignorance.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. They say I do. Probably I do unconsciously, unintentionally.
I am amazed how can I do that!
They say they get hurt when I am sad, depressed or cry.
Really? Then why do they hurt me in the first place?!
I could never find an answer to this. I never got the courage to ask them.
It’s OK if they hurt me. I don’t have any complaints. Of course, I do complain sometimes. But I try not to make them realize, not to make them guilty. I don’t want to blame them. I do it sometimes unintentionally.
I will try not to, this year. I will try to forgive, to let go. No one can be perfect. Nor am I.
But at least I tried to take care of them, to comfort them, to make them feel good, to make them happy. It gives me a sense of contentment, satisfaction and pleasure that I did good to someone, someone smiled because of me, someone slept peacefully because I made them feel good, someone is satisfied because I pray for them.
I am like this, can’t help it. I am glad I try to do good and think good for others.
They will too, sometime…
I didn’t work hard. I could’ve got more good grades if I had studied more.
But I couldn’t. I wasn’t in a good mental condition at that time. That was the worst time period of this year, of my life. Still, I managed to do it well. So I will not blame myself.
I remember my final thesis was very good and I got much praise. I had really worked hard for it. My advisor was very happy with me. I was her only student who got very good remarks. She was very proud of me. I was happy and satisfied. I did well.
I had planned to eat good this year. I didn’t. I am disappointed.
I had thought not to cry, not to lose temper, not to fight. not to worry too much.
I did all these.
I had thought to read more and write more. I didn’t.
But I started blogging, finally. I am glad.
I thought to work and study more, I didn’t.
I planned not to complaint too much. I did all the time.
I had planned to make this year better. I tried, but I couldn’t.
I did do some good things.
I make some very good friends.
I enjoyed the last days at university.
I valued friendships and relationships.
I tried making people feel good.
I tried starting some good things in my life.
I tried to think and work practically.
I tried to remain calm, to remain patient, to forgive, and forget.
I couldn’t forget!
I tried to make this year better. I wasn’t successful much.
This year gave me a really tough time, some major set backs, some heartbreaking issues, some hurting relationships, some insensitive people, many regrets!
This year gave me some really special moments to cherish, some really good friends, some really good people, some really good events, a great degree, a good internship, many good experiences, some lovely gifts, some good days and nights!
2012 – taught me many good and harsh lessons about people, work, life.
2012 – taught me to handle good and bad situations, handle myself when completely broken, cherish some memorable moments, it taught me to LIVE!
2012 – you were good, you were bad.
You made me smile, you made my cry.
But it’s time to MOVE ON!
The New Year is here.
Some new resolutions, new hopes, new promises, new commitments, new challenges, new tasks, new people, new hardships, new surprises, and much more.
With new year, I dream of good health, a good job, a higher degree, good relationships, some new challenges and resolutions, a better life.
I hope to make this year better than the previous ones. I hope to make it worth living.
2012 – Good Bye! I will remember you, I will miss you.
2013 – Hello! Please be good to me.